This Thing Called Grief by Thomas Ellis

Author:Thomas Ellis
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-929636-97-9
Publisher: Syren Book Company
Published: 2011-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

This story, indicating the reality of support that most grieving individuals receive, is all too common. There seem to be limits to the time allowed for grief. And there is pressure to “get on with life.” Your family’s view of the world changes dramatically, yet the rest of the old world moves on. You may have expectations of how family and friends will react to your loss, of how they will create a sense of support.

The truth is, breakdown of this supportive system may further complicate the already demanding process of your grief. Not only have you experienced the loss of loved ones, but now the people you thought would be helpful are not available to sit with you in your pain.

“No one understands what I am experiencing.”

“I have changed so much; my friends seem to be avoiding me.”

“My family tells me to move on with the rest of my life.”

“I feel so alone in my grief.”

These are just a few of the statements of active grievers. Change is inevitable, and change in grief is everywhere. If you have struggled with adjusting to change in the past, you must pay attention to the challenge before you. You must also pay attention to any inclination to worry about what others may think of you. People may judge you and even criticize your grieving.

Recently I overheard a group of women talking about funerals. One participant shared with the others how the women at her church talk about grieving families. This idea grabbed my attention and began to frustrate me. The individual went on to share her observations about funerals for which she had recently volunteered. She seemed most concerned about families predicting inaccurately the number of people who would attend a funeral luncheon. And she began to judge past services. She reminded me of how powerful the spoken word can be.

Sometimes it is easy for people to focus on trivial concerns in the face of loss. They can be insensitive—without realizing what they say or how it may impact others. We must pay attention to the reality of others and think before we speak. If you are in grief, this is a time to be near those who understand with tenderness and caring acts. Grief is hard, exhausting work. Focusing on what is really important will facilitate your transition into a changed world.

Another thing likely to change is your address book. The friends you predicted would hang in there are often nowhere to be found, but a new support system may spring forth. (Perhaps this is why my mother makes entries in her address book in pencil.) Your expectations of others may increase, with resulting disappointment and further frustration. Discovering who makes up your support system and how it seems to change can minimize your feelings of rejection or sense of being judged.

Changes in spirituality may be another area of challenge. Loss and grief may shake the foundation of your belief system. You may begin to question old beliefs, some you held even as a child.

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